Too Hot to Handle (It's Only Research!)

I’m a “police and thief” fan – CSI, Law & Order, The Closer and Burn Notice are some of my favorite shows. Often there’s a brainiac computer whiz who scours the suspect’s hard drive and comes up with enough damning evidence to send him or her straight to the Big House.

One day soon I plan to buy a new laptop. Mine has done yeoman’s duty for two and a half years. It gives me what I want, but takes too long to get it. And unless I can figure out a way to wipe it as clean as a whistle, I won’t be donating this one to charity. My hard drive is too hot to handle (lol).

When I was ghost writing for a few publications, the storylines had to be smoking hot. But even the most vivid imagination can go but so far. I needed to do a virtual “walk on the wild side.” And what a trip – type in a few key words and anything is bound to pop up. Some made me laugh out loud. Others made me want to slam my laptop shut and take a long hot shower.

One of the laughs-out-loud was a guy who had (1) been anatomically Photoshopped or (2) walked with his third leg dragging the ground. He gripped his equipment with great pride. But the come-hither picture was a dud – instead of sexy he looked like a goofy Animal Planet host who’d just discovered the world’s longest albino snake.

Maybe that’s why I get a spate of spam: “turn your trouser mouse into an anaconda!” “Find jungle passion!” And the German spam – what in the heck is “Blasen Blasen (Kein Sex)?” Maybe that one isn’t German, but I’ve gotten so much in the language that I may soon become fluent enough to get in trouble in a German bar.

More than once I’ve had to close my computer down when one of my sons was visiting. I think they suspect me of closet freakiness anyway. One night I had fallen asleep during a PG Cinemax movie, only to be awakened by a shocked “what are you looking at?” Since I was asleep it couldn’t have been more than sheep jumping over logs. Imagine my surprise when I sat up to see the girl with the pearls in “Pimps Up, Hos Down.” Instead of keeping the entire collection of Bronze Thrills, Black Romance and True Romance magazines for which I had written, I tore out my stories and stapled them together with the cover. One day my sons were helping me move a desk and the pile fell over. “How to Striptease” turned up. It was on the back of my story; I told them as much, but I don’t think they believed me. And if I told them it was only research, they’d still be laughing.

So…what’s on your hard drive? Any research stories of your own?