Saturday, March 7, 2009

Too Hot to Handle (It's Only Research!)



I’m a “police and thief” fan – CSI, Law & Order, The Closer and Burn Notice are some of my favorite shows. Often there’s a brainiac computer whiz who scours the suspect’s hard drive and comes up with enough damning evidence to send him or her straight to the Big House.

One day soon I plan to buy a new laptop. Mine has done yeoman’s duty for two and a half years. It gives me what I want, but takes too long to get it. And unless I can figure out a way to wipe it as clean as a whistle, I won’t be donating this one to charity. My hard drive is too hot to handle (lol).

When I was ghost writing for a few publications, the storylines had to be smoking hot. But even the most vivid imagination can go but so far. I needed to do a virtual “walk on the wild side.” And what a trip – type in a few key words and anything is bound to pop up. Some made me laugh out loud. Others made me want to slam my laptop shut and take a long hot shower.

One of the laughs-out-loud was a guy who had (1) been anatomically Photoshopped or (2) walked with his third leg dragging the ground. He gripped his equipment with great pride. But the come-hither picture was a dud – instead of sexy he looked like a goofy Animal Planet host who’d just discovered the world’s longest albino snake.

Maybe that’s why I get a spate of spam: “turn your trouser mouse into an anaconda!” “Find jungle passion!” And the German spam – what in the heck is “Blasen Blasen (Kein Sex)?” Maybe that one isn’t German, but I’ve gotten so much in the language that I may soon become fluent enough to get in trouble in a German bar.

More than once I’ve had to close my computer down when one of my sons was visiting. I think they suspect me of closet freakiness anyway. One night I had fallen asleep during a PG Cinemax movie, only to be awakened by a shocked “what are you looking at?” Since I was asleep it couldn’t have been more than sheep jumping over logs. Imagine my surprise when I sat up to see the girl with the pearls in “Pimps Up, Hos Down.” Instead of keeping the entire collection of Bronze Thrills, Black Romance and True Romance magazines for which I had written, I tore out my stories and stapled them together with the cover. One day my sons were helping me move a desk and the pile fell over. “How to Striptease” turned up. It was on the back of my story; I told them as much, but I don’t think they believed me. And if I told them it was only research, they’d still be laughing.

So…what’s on your hard drive? Any research stories of your own?

22 comments:

Idrissa said...

Niambi, you sure made me laugh out loud today! Wish I had been reading your work back when you were writing for the confession mags.

And when I think of what is on my hard drives from years past . . .I laugh even harder and feel kinda embarassed, especially since I gave my old Gateway desktop to my 80 year-old mother. LOL

Thank God she only plays casino games which my daughter loads from a disk.

Great blog entry.

Idrissa

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Thanks, Idrissa. The last time I got rid of a desktop, I took it apart, took out the hard drive and stomped it! (rofl) I know what you mean about mamas - if something popped up, there would be some 'splaining - even at our age!

Kelley Nyrae said...

Yeah my hard drive would have some pretty naughty things on it as well. LOL.

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Hi, Kelley: I hear you - naughty, super-naughty, ultra-naughty, OMG naughty, WTF naughty and how-the hell-did-they-do-that naughty? (lol)

JC Martin said...

Well my hard drive would pristine. I don't have any "Oh My Word" sites, downloads, or pictures. Now my husband is a whole 'notha story.

Niambi Brown Davis said...

JC: Many men and "oh my word" are synonymous (lol)

'Cilla said...

OMG!!! You are too funny. I laughed, read it agains and laughed some more. There is definately another side to you that I am just finding out about...

**whispering - we can hang on any day on the wild side...

Sendng Luv

MsAndie said...

Too funny!!
Remove the hard drive, then you can donate the laptop.

Andrea

Niambi Brown Davis said...

'Cilla: as long as we stay FAR away from Club Coconut... (lol)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Ms. Andie: I knew you would have the answer and I wouldn't have to smash it into pieces :)

Yasmin said...

rotflmao yes your hard drive is too hot to handle...mine is tame compared to yours...lol.
Sorry to hear about your laptop...but thanks for the laughs.
xoxo

Phyllis said...

This post was entirely too cute! Thanks for the late night chuckle....and my HD is nowhere near as hot as yours. :-)

Phyllis said...

This post was entirely too cute! Thanks for the late night chuckle....and my HD is nowhere near as hot as yours. :-)

Dera Williams said...

Too funny. This is great. Years ago, I got fascinated by Haiti and did a lot of research on Voudou ane anyone from my church would think I was a heathen for sure.

Beverly said...

This was so funny but true!

Well the info on my hard drive is not as "hot" as yours- my daughter asked what was I doing to the hard drive before I have to schools - I said there was work stuff that could not be shared.

Another reason why I also like UBS portable drives :)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Hey, Yas: You should have seen me deleting history, dumping stuff in the trashcan (lol)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Phyllis, thanks for stopping by. Glad I gave you a laugh :)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Hey, Dera: I can see them now, planning an intervention for what my aunt would call a "backslider." (rofl)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Beverly: That portable drive sounds like what I need; I know I can always count on you and Andie :)

~tivi jones said...

A few years ago, my mom threw out her old computer. She poured orange juice inside the computer and threw a few magnets in it, in order to keep people from viewing her "financial information."

Given the state of my hard drive and my files, I'm not so sure that was the case...

lol. great post!

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Hi, Tivi: Orange juice and magnets - to quote the title of an HGTV show: "now THAT'S clever (lol)
Glad you enjoyed the post :)

Miriam said...

My hard drive is virginal because I'm a senior citizen and my mother taught me not to have naughty thoughts. Now for Jackie when I clean her hard drive I'm hard pressed not to laugh at the absurdity of what some people think are sexy.